I have never known why silence intrigues me so much. Often when I stop by a famous book-store in Pune, my eyes seem to hover around for someone who is all engrossed in herself and perusing through some unknown novel. Fixation doesn't stop here. There is a certain charm in silence which words, somehow, have never been able to tap. I have lived alone, with a thousand thoughts bustling in my mind and but still have managed to look calm on the outside. I have celebrated alone and have adorned silence as a coat to hide my earnest desires of being loved/ cared back. I have always loved silence- but somehow I have never volunteered to smear myself with it. It just so happens-that life makes me a loner, murders my will to talk and a sudden huss replaces all the silly blah-blah that was rambling across my head. Sometimes, silence is thrust on us. At times, I have nursed a desire to sit besides my friends and talk to them about everything in this world, but I have found no one willing enough to listen to me.
I have always impressed people with my glib conversations- some have just marvelled at my never-ending zest for life, some have grown tired of my voice and have distanced themselves from me. A particularly sad incident happened a few days back when a summer intern at my place summoned enough audacity and darted straight to me and said," For all your wisdom and nature, I find you irksome. Your talk bamboozles me. I can't stand it.". It was so straight in the face, so brutally honest that I wasn't even able to respond properly. There are a thousand answers I have with me now but the sheer honesty of his confession is what has held me back. Why! I can't be interesting or engaging for every bloke on this planet. All I managed in retribution was , "It's ok". That was all I could muster and then silence prevailed. If I was a shadow of what I was some months back, I would have issued him one tight slap and would have not thought twice before doing so. But silence has conferred me that humility to inhale the severest of criticisms. Voice, on the other hand, has only earned me flak from everywhere. I am a terrible speaker, it seems.
So where I was? Silence draws me. There is this one particular intern, this time a girl who has captured me. She is so calm, diffident and drawn to her books that I can't help but admire her. Sometimes I have this strange urge to go upto her and listen to what she has got to say. I am sure her silence has got something more than what meets the eye. An agony or a broken dream, who knows?
I am still at a loss of words. A part of me wants to hit back at the impostor fella and let him know that I ain't a sissy if I haven't answered him yet. A part of me wants to embrace silence so that no such guy ever-ever comes to me with such blunt truths. The road to recovery seems to be a weary one.
3 comments:
Of all things, I'm flattered. One thing you can't do about honesty is ignore it. I'm mystified by how much a simple honest comment can stir your deepest of ego's and force you into putting a ban on a guy, who for the record, admired you for once, talked to you, taught you programming(however little it may be) and never ever meant any evil for you. Slap who? Accept it. You are irksome. I just hope all your apparently beloved friends are not the kind who are just taking your bullshit nonsense on the above. I just hope you would be able to read their minds and realize how irritating you have been to them all these days. Go on and cry about this petty issue with each one of your friends. Get their sympathy and then console yourself. Make your funeral. :)
Oh! How quick you have been to remind me of your favor. Your magnanimity would remain etched in some corner forever. I , for the record, don't need anyone, least of all you to help me survive. Thank you very much for talking to me. You have made this summer memorable for me!
You are no less irritating either. May be you wanted all the spotlight on you or your ignorance in every field ( barring the lousy/nerdy programming) made you feel like an alien. That happens. You are just a tiny little frog in this vast pool of talent the world contains. For that matter, we all are. Get used to this fact and stop labeling people irritating for the simple reason that you aren't capable of gelling with them or you don't share the same frequency. It might be a bit haughty on my part to say this, but I found you to be living in some misplaced sense of self-importance. Even at your place , there are a ton of guys more talented than you and I hope you haven't labeled them as "Irksome" already!
I am happy with my friends. Whether they deem me to be irksome or find me to be so damn ebullient. I am gonna spend my life on my own terms and not mould myself according to distorted notions of a out-of-mind-conceited nitwit.
Who has put a ban on you ,mister? Common sense says that you ain't supposed to be talking to a guy who finds you irritating. I was simply helping your cause.
I am really happy to know that you feel flattered. I was sure that you would be able to sniff the slightest amount of "praise" out of my piece.
I am not a momma's kid. For the record, you don't even picture anywhere in my life. It just so happened that I was contemplating on "silence" and the incident rushed through my mind. And I am not ashamed of anything. You seem to be implacable, over-demanding chap and I ain't got any respect for you in my kitty. I am sorry!
My friends have always rallied behind me whenever the need has arisen. They have gatecrashed and have shared my pain. If they would think that a nibble like you has managed to unsettle me all ends up, they sure would flock to me. I know that.
I didn't feel like slapping you for your caustic comment. I was taken back at your brashness and crudeness. You are a savage, untaught , unruly, perpetually peeved chubby kid. Learn to live with that.
Silence is pure and strengthening but sometimes it can be harsh and lonely. Silence can teach u a lot but sometimes it can crush u down.
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